Well well well...

I've just checked out of the hospital haven given birth to my baby 10 weeks early. I never thought I was one of 'those baby people' - the ones whose whole lives revolve around their child to the point where they can only talk in baby language - I may have been wrong. The hospital told me it was important to write down my feelings and keep some sort of journal. So far they have been well ahead of me on the curve of what happens when and how I will feel so the best I can do is listen to their advice.

Firstly and most importantly right now - my son.

The amazing Angus. Just writing his name makes me smile. Yes he's premature and it's a long road my husband, Angus and I need to take, but he is a  miracle. All of the cliches are true, I am blown away by the love I feel for this little being.

He came into the world in a very scary way. It all started about a week ago, I sat down on a couch at work, about to start a meeting and I pissed myself. Well I thought I pissed myself, there was a warm rush of fluid between my legs that just flowed out. I was a little shocked that I could let myself go without any warning but I stayed seated and tried to get through the meeting. Next thing, I had to get to the telephone as we were in a conference call so I moved to the roller stool and quickly crossed my legs as I sat down - more fluid gushed out. Of course I finished the conversation and then rolled on my stool to the door and then sashayed away to the toilet.

It wasn't pee.

Panic.

I won't go into all of the details because at the time, I would have described the following moments as the worst time of my life. There was far worse to come. Long story short, I was in hospital for four days with unexplained bleeding. The baby, they said, was fine and that this sort of thing happened.

Released on the Friday, back into hospital on the Sunday at 6:30 am.

More bleeding. More checking. More good diagnosis. I was fine I was just bleeding, I needed to stay in the hospital bed until the bleeding stopped. I did good. I read a whole book (interesting read 'Memoirs of a Tiger Mother'). More bleeding in the evening. More checking. Baby's heart monitoring all looks sweet. Turn of the lights for the evening. BAM. Contractions.

To be fair, I didn't know they were contractions at first. I didn't want to be a pain so I wasn't going to ring the bell.  They kept coming at regular intervals though, I couldn't get to sleep, finally I rang the bell and they took me to the delivery room for monitoring. Drugs to hold off the contractions, nurse checking in on me every half hour or so.

Suddenly the baby's heart rate drops dramatically, the nurse screams for the doctor and the doctor screams to get me in surgery now. Ten minutes later, I had a child.

I'll elaborate on that whole story later, it's too painful now.

I went to sleep under anesthesia, thinking me and my baby would die. I woke up in the recovery room a couple hours later, hearing the distant voice of my husband explaining that everything was okay and we have a marvelous baby boy.

It was true. Angus was born premature, but all seemed good.Under the effects of morphine, I could only feel the miracle and it is a miracle. A perfect little boy. Small but boy shaped and with a boy 'tude.

I didn't know the horror stories then so all I could do was marvel at his sweet face and cry on my husband's shoulder. I was the luckiest lady in the world. And my husband agreed.