Ahhhh.... the stress!

Being a new Mum is tough. You don't know what 'normal' is supposed to be so everything freaks you out. I think in my case, it's even more acute because my son is in an incubator and will be for a good couple of months more.

When he urged his way into this world, I was drugged up on morphine and goodness knows what else. I was so relieved that he made it, I was on cloud nine. I could only marvel at how good and strong he was.

Then I crashed. Angus had been powering through all of the steps, C-Pep, Low-flo, breathing on his own. 2ml food, 6ml food, 12ml, 20ml, 24ml... Then he began to throw up. I realised he was a little listless. I hadn't seen him cry in two days and when he slept through a needle it was the final straw for me. Most of the nurses were telling me he's fine, but then one German nurse, Uli, who had seen him when he first came in, noticed the change as well. Then the real stress began. Is a mother's life full of this worry? I'm not sure I can take it. If anything happened to my little man, I don't know how I would ever cope. I cried for two full days as they put him back on the IV and reduced his food intake back to 12mls. Then yesterday evening - my little Angie was back, smiling at me and trying to focus his eyes.

Happiness.

Angus

Dear Son,

Oh how I love saying son. this is cliched as anything, but true, you completed me. I was looking for something in my life and I didn't know what it was.

Your Daddy and I were very happy, there was no reason not to be, your Daddy likes it to be known that he's just a happy guy. But I felt like I needed more in my life, I didn't know what it was until you came along.

Both your Daddy and I have never been happier. We look into your perfect little face and know all is as it's meant to be. You are very special.

I promise to try and do everything right by you because I want for you to have the happy life you deserve.

Welcome to our family.

Love Mum.

xxx

The Incubator

Just came back from the 'couveuse' or incubator. Little Angus was lying there happily with his 'sunglasses' on. He needs to wear a head protector as he's still under UV lights. It looks like a little white chicken cap. It's utterly cute but I can't wait until it comes off.

I love that little guy.

Joy

There have been hard days, terrible times. It has been a roller-coaster. I will explore those times later. Today is a happy day.

My little boy, small but that's it. Perfectly healthy, doing everything he should. A real miracle.

Today he was taken off C-Pep. C-Pep are constant little spurts of air going into his lungs prompting him to breath. The doctors didn't think he needed it but kept it up to be sure. Today they removed it and he's doing fine. They replaced the C-Pep with low-flo, two little plastic tubes of airflow inserted into the tip of his nostrils just in-case.

Angus doesn't like the tubes, he rips them out. Lo and behold he breaths just fine.

So while there have been some scary times, all I can do is marvel at my little boy. I'm so proud of his strength and I'm watching in awe as his little character unfolds in front of me. Today, I am looking forward to a lifetime of this.

Angus is Cool

We had a meeting with the doctor today. She was awesome, I liked her manner. Also she told us that Angus couldn't be doing better. It put my mind at ease for now.

Milestone

Today started horribly. Apparently I'm hormonal but the enormity of my son's situation hit me like a lead balloon yesterday so I cried all night and well into the morning.

My husband arrived to find me blubbering. He presented me with a document from the city council. Normally these make my cry, this one made me happy.

Angus' birth certificate.

Well well well...

I've just checked out of the hospital haven given birth to my baby 10 weeks early. I never thought I was one of 'those baby people' - the ones whose whole lives revolve around their child to the point where they can only talk in baby language - I may have been wrong. The hospital told me it was important to write down my feelings and keep some sort of journal. So far they have been well ahead of me on the curve of what happens when and how I will feel so the best I can do is listen to their advice.

Firstly and most importantly right now - my son.

The amazing Angus. Just writing his name makes me smile. Yes he's premature and it's a long road my husband, Angus and I need to take, but he is a  miracle. All of the cliches are true, I am blown away by the love I feel for this little being.

He came into the world in a very scary way. It all started about a week ago, I sat down on a couch at work, about to start a meeting and I pissed myself. Well I thought I pissed myself, there was a warm rush of fluid between my legs that just flowed out. I was a little shocked that I could let myself go without any warning but I stayed seated and tried to get through the meeting. Next thing, I had to get to the telephone as we were in a conference call so I moved to the roller stool and quickly crossed my legs as I sat down - more fluid gushed out. Of course I finished the conversation and then rolled on my stool to the door and then sashayed away to the toilet.

It wasn't pee.

Panic.

I won't go into all of the details because at the time, I would have described the following moments as the worst time of my life. There was far worse to come. Long story short, I was in hospital for four days with unexplained bleeding. The baby, they said, was fine and that this sort of thing happened.

Released on the Friday, back into hospital on the Sunday at 6:30 am.

More bleeding. More checking. More good diagnosis. I was fine I was just bleeding, I needed to stay in the hospital bed until the bleeding stopped. I did good. I read a whole book (interesting read 'Memoirs of a Tiger Mother'). More bleeding in the evening. More checking. Baby's heart monitoring all looks sweet. Turn of the lights for the evening. BAM. Contractions.

To be fair, I didn't know they were contractions at first. I didn't want to be a pain so I wasn't going to ring the bell.  They kept coming at regular intervals though, I couldn't get to sleep, finally I rang the bell and they took me to the delivery room for monitoring. Drugs to hold off the contractions, nurse checking in on me every half hour or so.

Suddenly the baby's heart rate drops dramatically, the nurse screams for the doctor and the doctor screams to get me in surgery now. Ten minutes later, I had a child.

I'll elaborate on that whole story later, it's too painful now.

I went to sleep under anesthesia, thinking me and my baby would die. I woke up in the recovery room a couple hours later, hearing the distant voice of my husband explaining that everything was okay and we have a marvelous baby boy.

It was true. Angus was born premature, but all seemed good.Under the effects of morphine, I could only feel the miracle and it is a miracle. A perfect little boy. Small but boy shaped and with a boy 'tude.

I didn't know the horror stories then so all I could do was marvel at his sweet face and cry on my husband's shoulder. I was the luckiest lady in the world. And my husband agreed.